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is there anything as dangerous than being understood? all the more so, as there is no such thing. you are always misunderstood. you think you are not lonely but in actual fact you are even more lonely.
nothing has been created without loneliness. i have created a loneliness for myself which nobody can see. it is very difficult nowadays to be on your own, because there are clocks and watches. have you ever seen a saint with a watch? i have never been able to find any, not even among those patron saints of the watchmakers.
braque said to me once “deep down you’ve always loved classical beauty.” that is true. it was then, and still is. people don’t invent a new kind of beauty every year.
somehow, the word frustration is beautiful. it can be said with however much angst needed and or deserves. lets define it.
 
i choose: “a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems”. and woah, “a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs” and from the medical dictionary, “The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force or the blocking or a thwarting of an impulse, purpose, or action.”
 
dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, insecurity, unresolved.
 
i am in need of that vice called a job, otherwise unfortunately known as money. the frustrated self inside of me is in a “deep chronic” state. this has been going on for months. this money situation extends to all areas of my life. i wish i could say, “screw bills!” but i can’t. there are phone bills and insurance bills. how old am i? eighteen. what is looming darkly on the horizon? students loans and college.
 
scholarships seem as silly as trying to bail out your sinking boat with a teaspoon. my dreams seem as silly as throwing little pebbles at a 50 foot wall hoping a hole will form. my dreams are as simple as eating a pomegranate on a window seat and as unattainable as catching the brownie that lives in the corners of your house. you need magical powers for it to work.
 
but, magic doesn’t exist.
 
i’m in the pits.

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I feel my brain shutting down into minimalist mode again. I want to share current happenings but when I begin my mind begins to wander. Bear with me as I try to unwind the wad of string and pick out the random objects that are caught in my brain.

This is the first day the past week and a half that I have been fully aware what has been going on. Boston was a bunch of busy running around pretending that everyone knew what was happening. I miss people there. I made so many new friends. The circle of my friends at church expanded and now I fill up the entire break before bible fellowship giving hugs receiving hugs and talking. Hopefully no more standing around awkwardly. Even though awkwardness is my specialty. Tiredness was a given and allergies were a given, yet getting a bad cold along with more than one fever wasn’t. That was Sunday night. Yesterday afternoon I finally felt able to get out of the house (which I was dying to do). And today has been restlessness galore.

Things that are on my mind; my mind is a deep hole in the earth somewhere, with lots of living things crawling around in it and some dead ones decomposing in it; some flowers having roots in it, some weeds, and an old shoe.

You can see that it’s really no use and I will just ramble.

have you ever journalled in the shape of a tree?

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I’m sorry about the title. I have no idea what to but up there.

Topic: New things

Subtopic 1: Camera! I recently bought a Sony Cybershot 9.1 megapixels 15x zoom: love. I haven’t had much time to get to know it (I work a lot) but when I do I will let you know what I name it.

Subtopic 2: Sadly, Leopold is the only fish that is still alive. He eats enough for four fish though and makes indecent smacking noises in his bowl.

Subtopic 3: Amy came home for the weekend and brought 4 awesome hilarious people with her. Cat (a january MI) is the reason for the title of the previous post and the new favorite starbucks drink. I love her.

Subtopic 4: I am going to Boston (yes, Boston!) Friday morning. It is a choir mission trip. Hence the three hour rehearsal Tuesday….I absolutley love my choir and the people and the friends and the jokes. Tons of pictures to come.

Subtopic 5: I am in a folk band called Bumbler and Puesdo the Singing Cookbook.

Note: My mind is incapable of typing fast, thinking fast, and thinking with out it being outlined in to topics and subtopics. I can think like that or in black and white or likethiswhichisstrangelyrelaxingwhenyoudon’thavetoworryaboutpuncutation.

Or in song: “You say goodbye and I say hello.”

this weekend was crazy. i made 4 new friends. i fell in love with a three story resale bookstore. (couple pictures, taken on phone. i apologize for the pictures taken on my phone: i bought a camera online hopefully it comes tomorrow..)

phone pictures

i went to a wedding. i hung out with my best friend. i found out a new favorite starbucks drink; (besides venti earl grey tea misto+vanilla, iced green tea lemonade, and occasionally zebra iced coffee)  mango naked juice blended with green tea (powder?) and strawberry frap base=2.90. keeper!

that is all. kudos.

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because this is my favorite magazine.

because i want to read this. and this.

because i want to paint something like this.

because this sounds so good and i want to make it.

because i want to sew this.

because i want to be here; in edinburgh, scotland.

the end.

to never take a nap in the middle of the day like that again…

*yawn*

its one of those afterfeelings of jetlag……………………………