somehow, the word frustration is beautiful. it can be said with however much angst needed and or deserves. lets define it.
i choose: “a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems”. and woah, “a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs” and from the medical dictionary, “The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force or the blocking or a thwarting of an impulse, purpose, or action.”
dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, insecurity, unresolved.
i am in need of that vice called a job, otherwise unfortunately known as money. the frustrated self inside of me is in a “deep chronic” state. this has been going on for months. this money situation extends to all areas of my life. i wish i could say, “screw bills!” but i can’t. there are phone bills and insurance bills. how old am i? eighteen. what is looming darkly on the horizon? students loans and college.
scholarships seem as silly as trying to bail out your sinking boat with a teaspoon. my dreams seem as silly as throwing little pebbles at a 50 foot wall hoping a hole will form. my dreams are as simple as eating a pomegranate on a window seat and as unattainable as catching the brownie that lives in the corners of your house. you need magical powers for it to work.
but, magic doesn’t exist.
i’m in the pits.