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well, i have been a lousy blogger. that is the subject of this post. to put it bluntly, i’ve had no desire to “blog” in cyberspace where everyone can read my mess ups and bad mood swings. to put it romantically, life has been busy, emotionally, physically, and well, spiritually too, i guess. we are traveling for christmas. i feel sporadically held together, by gift wrap and scotch tape. my mind wanders terribly and as chupp can attest, i can’t really write on a piece of paper and make sense. “i had an urge to color a picture with markers…so much for doing laundry for lunch.” i am packing tonight (we leave tomorrow) for snow. oh dear me.

i float along like a kite, content to stop tugging at my strings for a while. for a  short while.

i love the candids my sister takes of me randomly. this is my favorite; a little glimpse into my world.

love,

English translation of poem by by Boris Pasternak 1890-1960, written in 1912

Black spring! Pick up your pen, and weeping,
Of February, in sobs and ink,
Write poems, while the slush in thunder
Is burning in the black of spring.

Through clanking wheels, through church bells ringing
A hired cab will take you where
The town has ended, where the showers
Are louder still than ink and tears.

Where rooks, like charred pears, from the branches
In thousands break away, and sweep
Into the melting snow, instilling
Dry sadness into eyes that weep.

Beneath – the earth is black in puddles,
The wind with croaking screeches throbs,
And-the more randomly, the surer
Poems are forming out of sobs.

(Regina Spektor sings part of this in her song, Apres Moi, which I am vowing to learn on the piano. Soon.)

snapshots of the happenings :)

bestfrand comes home for thanksgiving!

thanksgiving happens.

uh,

my birthday happens! ^awesome friends i have.

i have legs.

i get a ukulele from my favorite aunt! <3

chupp and i named it wade :)

chupp and i have a dance party in her dorm at Taylor!

we start a trend. fierce.

3G pranked^

it is very chilly out.

the end.

somehow, the word frustration is beautiful. it can be said with however much angst needed and or deserves. lets define it.
 
i choose: “a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems”. and woah, “a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs” and from the medical dictionary, “The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force or the blocking or a thwarting of an impulse, purpose, or action.”
 
dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, insecurity, unresolved.
 
i am in need of that vice called a job, otherwise unfortunately known as money. the frustrated self inside of me is in a “deep chronic” state. this has been going on for months. this money situation extends to all areas of my life. i wish i could say, “screw bills!” but i can’t. there are phone bills and insurance bills. how old am i? eighteen. what is looming darkly on the horizon? students loans and college.
 
scholarships seem as silly as trying to bail out your sinking boat with a teaspoon. my dreams seem as silly as throwing little pebbles at a 50 foot wall hoping a hole will form. my dreams are as simple as eating a pomegranate on a window seat and as unattainable as catching the brownie that lives in the corners of your house. you need magical powers for it to work.
 
but, magic doesn’t exist.
 
i’m in the pits.

which means the beginning of the end..

i am legal!!

p.s. thats me right  there ^ :)