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an arrow explains my mood today. i have been low, very low lately. but slowly i am moving forward. i greatly appreciate my roommate, who snores :) who lets me throw pillows at her when she does,  children’s books that my little sister let me read, writing letters in magazines to friends, sending in my first college application *gulp*, playing guitar and singing around campfires, itunes giftcards, and talking on the phone with close friends who are far away..

i am slowly moving up from low. to put it simply(:



what do you think of this, my friends?

please comment, each one of you.

(it’s a drawing of mine)




::shrooms and tea and foreign films::


Bon Iver – For Emma, For Ever Ago – A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

i found out about bon iver through this website.

i found out about this website from a friend who wrote me a letter in a magazine. she took a magazine and wrote in most of the white areas. brilliant idea, non? so beside making envelopes like this from magazines: i’ll be writing letters in magazines. needs a little bigger envelope :P

that i’m gonna have to buy this sometime!


it is fall. i have a little book that i wrote lists in..just random lists, for instance “sound i like.” one of those sounds is leaves. wind in leaves, falling leaves, crunching leave, rustling leaves. what about painting leaves? (love at first sight)



what would you say,
about these plans
you may never hear them
but you might know
the story behind them
the story behind these words:

“and i don’t know where to start
and i don’t know where to start
you might think its easy
you might find differently”

you change your mind so quickly
i’m sorry but you’re sometimes more feminine than me
your fickle mind;
how many hours have i wasted my time?
and you might ask the question, why,
why does love never work out for me?

“you play me like you play poker
you lay down your cards
and leave with all the money
you know too much about me”

and you know so little about me
and you know so little about me
i gave you my

“i do know, you’ve got me started
and now i’ll move on
you may think that you’ve got something
you might find differently, differently.”

but as your mind changes
like the earth changes seasons
eventually you’ll come back
asking for forgiveness

but you might find someone else, i’ll say[reassure]
you probably will find another way
again and again and again and again.

and maybe it wasn’t something so great
maybe i’m just vulnerable
and you’re just ordinary,
oh, so very ordinary.

p.s. video!

the other day i was thinking about the word vulnerable. the context of this word is a relationship. when i was thinking of this word, i saw a certain picture in my head. i’ve found that everytime i say or think this word, this picture comes to mind. when i think of a relationship with a guy, i see myself as being the most vulnerable. a point where i open myself up so much that i am very easily hurt. my norm is not a easily hurt extremely sensitive person. i am a sensitive person, i will listen to you, i will always take myself to where you are a relate to you at that point. that is just how i am. yet i will act tough and always have a wall around that stupid place thats called a heart, where the emotions come from. and if i open up to you, and become vulnerable, it should mean something to you.

a relationship.

jesus. ok lets look to see what webster says.

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. an emotional or other connection between people

imagine yourself. now imagine yourself being tough for so many years. listening and liking someone, and opening up to them because you like them and you want them to know how you are in the inside. now imagine your tough self going up to this person and snuggling up close to them. your face is hiding in their shoulder, and you are leaning into them, and whether or not their arms are around you doesn’t matter. to me this is the ultimate form of vulnerability; this picture.

when i like someone, i try and picture myself in the shoes of the vulnerable person and the person i like in the shoes of the person that is the strong one.

can i see it? yes? ok, maybe this is something more than “like”

can i see it? no? ok, lets back off.

i think the worst thing is ignoring the “no” and pretending its a “yes” and giving your vulnerable self to someone that doesn’t understand their important role. like salt onto a red open sore.

thus, you become tougher, and you don’t trust your vulnerability with anyone, even if it seems right.

i love the art, the music, the voice, the shoes. this is a marriage of art and music.

obviously, those who don’t know what this is referring too, go here.

and here.

i am reading this book, “extremely loud and incredibly close” about a 9 year old tambourine-shaking boy who is trying to find a lock a key opens that used to belong to his dad.. there is not a lot one can say about it if one is not done with it. bits of what i have read so far have spoken to me, and banged me in the head, or slapped me in the face; and i take that as a good thing.

muse:what should i do for retro day? how am i going to finish government homework on time? those are the two questions that are foremost in my mind.

imagine wasting a whole month on a particular subject, absolutely wasting

your precious time. (i was about to ask the question , “is time really precious?” but hell yes. if you are surrounded by people you love time is so precious. but when you surround yourself with people that waste your time and only think that they love you…materialistic-ness…wasted.  squandered.)

dear me, this person somehow gave simplicity to a bad day and made it into a breath of fresh air for me..even though it was a horrible day for them. maybe because it reminds me that i am not only one with crap filled days.

so far, this book deals with the past and the future and letters and art and psychological things and love and death and pain and questions. i love that it is full of questions.
it reminds me of this book a lot. and not at all.

and this. and really not at ALL. kinda-sorta. both of these were good books. and somehow they are all about WWII after affects;


yet life!