You’ll never see the courage I know
Its colors’ richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention, to you

You’ll say you understand
But you don’t understand
You’ll say you’ll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown to you

photo by callyamanda

You’ll say “don’t fear your dreams”
It’s easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never live this life that I live
I’ll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention, to you

You’ll say you understand
You’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in

You don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie

-never is a promise, fiona apple.

my life is a field where good things like turnips and celery should grow (thank my brain’s random selection of vegetables) where a lot of silly things grow like petunias (which die out fast in heat or cold) and a lot more weeds than i’d like. some weeds are thorny, some have little flowers, but they’re still weeds. now in the past couple months someone or something (i think situations in the form of a giant hand with a rake) has been digging up all the few vegetables (which die and are slow to grow back) and smashing the flowers (which spring back quickly) and hacking at the weeds (which are very hard to kill). deep furrows are dug. potholes are formed. the dirt, the foundation of all these plants, is overturned. they can still grow, but their sweet little rows have ceased. this weekend, the rake and the hand decided to chop and hack and hit the tender spots. i feel like my normality is out of place and my emotions are raw and my mind is spinning.yet some reason, i have peace. maybe its because i know that somehow, some of the goods plants are still growing.

and god brings rain.

is there anything as dangerous than being understood? all the more so, as there is no such thing. you are always misunderstood. you think you are not lonely but in actual fact you are even more lonely.
-
nothing has been created without loneliness. i have created a loneliness for myself which nobody can see. it is very difficult nowadays to be on your own, because there are clocks and watches. have you ever seen a saint with a watch? i have never been able to find any, not even among those patron saints of the watchmakers.
-
braque said to me once “deep down you’ve always loved classical beauty.” that is true. it was then, and still is. people don’t invent a new kind of beauty every year.

And when I look to the shape of the sky,
I give thanks for this hollow chest of mine,
that I no longer feel, the great weight of ordeals,
that can make this life so unkind

If there’s any love in me, don’t let it show,
oh and if there’s any love in me, don’t let it grow.

I wanted to embed this music video but it won’t let me, sadly.

but watch that one! that is what this post is about. then watch the other one.

here is another one thats equally awesome.

that one will surprise you i think :)

chupp, you know what i’m talking about.

i was accepted to Taylor University!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!)

*jumps up and down*

there are so many hidden topics in this conversation i had with my friend on my phone. including: resolutions, feeling, new year, males, love, music and art and inspiration and all the while i was drawing something that i see as fantastic, while i listened to amy seeley, while i cleansed from bawling my eyes out. so here it is. you won’t understand it, but i have to share its briliance. (beginning with my friend & ending with me)

-i do understand, i do. getting sleep always helps me though. you want your body to mirror your mind, if only for a while.
-well, tomorrow will happen. i’m looking forward to it. i have nothing to do, but at least that will always change
-what is tomorrow?
-nothing, just a new day and a change from today.
-”give me new, give me thrill, kill the cliche, forget a hero to dave the day” it seems fitting
-i like that. right now, i’m sort of cleansing myself by listening to my favorite music and drawing. you inspire.
-i suggest regina spektor. do you listen to her?
-yes absolutely.
-she is almost idol worthy (forgive me god!) do you listen to the yeah yeah yeahs?
-haven’t listened to those. but i love finding new music.
-check them out(:
-i always check out the people you tell me to. you know, what, random, but i need to find myself another guy. pronto. even an awesome friend that’ll talk to me.
-eek! slippery path! don’t rush, or the catharsis he provides will make you like him
-very. true. i just want a different guy to step into my life. cause i’m wasting my time with the old ones. i’m not meaning to be desperate for a guy. just forNEW.
-i know how you feel. new boys. new adventure,new clothes,new chance.
-i kinda feel like i was wishing for this ‘new year’ to be a new chance. yet the past three days have been me living in the past more than ever.
-a date never means an emotional divorce. you need closure love
-i think my ‘resolution’ should be to find that closure
-that seems like a good one(: hes going to to say something to you, or you’re going to have an epiphany, and then hes going to bore, and even disgust you a little bit.
-yeah, you put it so eloquently, yet again.

well, i have been a lousy blogger. that is the subject of this post. to put it bluntly, i’ve had no desire to “blog” in cyberspace where everyone can read my mess ups and bad mood swings. to put it romantically, life has been busy, emotionally, physically, and well, spiritually too, i guess. we are traveling for christmas. i feel sporadically held together, by gift wrap and scotch tape. my mind wanders terribly and as chupp can attest, i can’t really write on a piece of paper and make sense. “i had an urge to color a picture with markers…so much for doing laundry for lunch.” i am packing tonight (we leave tomorrow) for snow. oh dear me.

i float along like a kite, content to stop tugging at my strings for a while. for a  short while.

i love the candids my sister takes of me randomly. this is my favorite; a little glimpse into my world.

love,

English translation of poem by by Boris Pasternak 1890-1960, written in 1912

Black spring! Pick up your pen, and weeping,
Of February, in sobs and ink,
Write poems, while the slush in thunder
Is burning in the black of spring.

Through clanking wheels, through church bells ringing
A hired cab will take you where
The town has ended, where the showers
Are louder still than ink and tears.

Where rooks, like charred pears, from the branches
In thousands break away, and sweep
Into the melting snow, instilling
Dry sadness into eyes that weep.

Beneath – the earth is black in puddles,
The wind with croaking screeches throbs,
And-the more randomly, the surer
Poems are forming out of sobs.

(Regina Spektor sings part of this in her song, Apres Moi, which I am vowing to learn on the piano. Soon.)

snapshots of the happenings :)

bestfrand comes home for thanksgiving!

thanksgiving happens.

uh,

my birthday happens! ^awesome friends i have.

i have legs.

i get a ukulele from my favorite aunt! <3

chupp and i named it wade :)

chupp and i have a dance party in her dorm at Taylor!

we start a trend. fierce.

3G pranked^

it is very chilly out.

the end.